Bringing back ma power

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Hello again!
I hope everyone is doing well this early June. Oh my gosh I can’t believe it’s already June. Ahhh So crazy! Life is moving so fast. Faster than I want it to I think. I want to make sure to slooooooooooooow down and learn my lessons. I don’t want to miss anything.

There have been so many changes lately with me, and I wanted to write down a bit of what is on my mind.

For years I thrived on attention. I mean, you’d never guess that from the way I acted, but I’ve just never thought I was all that great. So I was always looking for an affirmation or compliment. It’s sort of embarrassing, but I really didn’t feel like much of anything without it. I needed to be constantly reminded I was beautiful! Or funny! Or intelligent! Or creative! When someone went out of their way to tell me that, my insides would calm down, for awhile.

But then it would creep up again. This need to be important! Validated! Seen! Loved. It was a consistent spinning wheel of approval seeking that has gone on for years.

And then I happened to be listening to Hay House radio a couple of days ago (love it, seriously). One of the hosts, it’s not even important who it was, was talking about something similar. It reminded me of my need to be noticed! Validated! Approved of! Honestly I’ve had this problem wayyyy more than I thought. I would feel downright UGLY until someone said that I was pretty. And then I was like ‘oh wow! I must be pretty!’ I’d feel untalented until someone said, ‘Wow! I love what you did.’ And then I’d be like, ‘oh my gosh thank God I’m okay.’

Anyway, back to Hay House realization. It suddenly dawned on me that all of that need to be seen, the drive to be noticed and appreciated and acknowledged, that is definitely part of the human condition. But what is it? It’s not just about being important or special. It’s about being loved. We all need to be loved. We all need to feel loved. So we reach out into this strange world hoping someone will recognize us as SPECIAL, TALENTED, GREAT and give us the approval that we are looking for. But then it always seems to fade.

Suddenly it dawned on me how exhausting it is to be defining ourselves by what we hear, what compliments are given to us. If we are really looking for acknowledgement, validation (LOVE) from family, friends, random outsiders, it’ll always be fleeting. It’s fleeting because we don’t believe it.

So, I’m working on this. Giving myself the love that I normally would be looking for. I’m reaching out; inside, complimenting myself on who I am and how I’m showing up and what I can release. I’m no longer going to grade myself based on societies reaction to me. And I’ll have compassion for myself when I forget. 🙂

Hello world I need peanut butter

I’m sitting here feeling like it’s time to start a blog again. I am actually not sure why I feel that way. I’m not a writer per say. Maybe it’s really more for me. My entire life I’ve been on a voyage of self discovery. Like most of us, right? But especially lately, as in the last year and a half. There are so many things that I love about life, so many things I want to do and experience and teach and explore. How do I choose? Do I have to?

Maybe this blog is a place where I can get my thoughts down, my lessons realized and my dreams clear, for me. Maybe it’s a chance to make even more of a difference with other people that may be in similar positions.

Making a difference. That is what I have always wanted to do. And actually it just hit me a couple of months ago that making a difference doesn’t need to be suddenly changing the world. In fact, it can’t be. Making a difference is the little things. It’s everyday being a little more patient, becoming a little more myself, more in touch with what I need, what others around me need, learning to give everyone their own space to make their own mistakes and discoveries, and giving more, and being grateful where I am. I’m not suddenly going to wake up and have a book written on my greatest lessons on life. ha! I actually need to be present enough to learn those lessons.

Here is a collection of the lessons I am currently learning.

*Stop apologizing for me being me. (Listen, I can be difficult to live with at times. Ask my fiancee. ahahh But if I know what I need and know what brings out my best, I must stop apologizing for that.

*Listen to my intuition. Seriously, it always knows. So funny that I talk so much about intuition to my friends! And my family! And yet below all that talking, I still struggle with making sure I’m listening as well. When I listen, things feel light and easy and I feel empowered and strong and as if I am moving on the right path. When I don’t, it’s like this uphill battle. Lets make it easier! Hellllloooo

*Be grateful. I know I know,… So cliche, but seriously I’m really seeing that gratitude is probably the only thing that makes us truly happy. I think a lot of us think that having a great relationship, or awesome career, or a family makes us happy, or even lots of money. And I see that none of it does. It’s completely internal. If I am noticing the beauty around me everyday, I will see how lucky I am right here. Nothing can generate happiness for me. It is my job only.

*Take time to just play. Oh my goshhhhhhhhhhhhhh why is this so simple and yet so hard??? So many of us (myself totally included) have done a LOT of work on ourselves and are always learning, always growing, always processing or meditating or releasing, blah blah blah… But! Sometimes we need to put all that away on a little shelf and just laugh and play and be silly. I love laughing and I love making other people laugh. So it’s a great reminder that when I’m playing I am my best.

*Be in the moment. With whatever. Talking, cooking, feeling, having sex, touching, drawing, relaxing. Whatever it is, do it fully. I have spent YEARS, seriously years doing everything half assed because I was uncomfortable being in the moment. I was always WORRIED and stressed out about the next moment. So I am really making sure to be present in the moment. I’m so not perfect, but it is my intention and I see that it makes my relationships with myself and others better when I am.

*      *    *    *

Just got back from having lunch with some old friends. It’s funny and sad that the more work I do on myself, the more I want all of my relationships to sort of grow and deepen, and they do not. So I’ve realized I spend more and more time fake laughing and smiling when I’m listlessly bored. Sort of sad. I mean it’s like choosing the red pill instead of the blue, you know? You know life is richer and more interesting and yet it’s also lonelier. So what do you do to cover that loneliness? Laugh along? Drink more? Or just accept the fact that where you are is something that most people aren’t going to get. And maybe that is okay.

Ahhh it’s good to be back. 🙂

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Joy is for babies

I get joy. I get that it feels nice and freeing and inspiring even. But I’m just realizing that I’ve never really dealt with my issue with ‘the narcissisticness of feeling your joy,’ Don’t bother looking up that word by the way I think it’s yet to make it to the dictionary.
I don’t think I’ve really come face to face with my feelings about joy or that I deserve it (or anyone deserves it actually) until I ventured off to start this new business. My boyfriend and I discussed the fact that even though I’m taking this over and working on it like a job (because it is), I still need to have Jackie time! Meaning I need to experience my joy. He knows VERY well that if I don’t have my ‘Jackie time,’ I am not nearly as fun or silly or playful or happy. In fact I’m a little bit of a lump on a log. I have known my whole life that I need Jackie time. I devour the silence and the excitement of being alone! In the quiet! To make art! Or take a bath! Or do yoga! Or jog! I need that space so I can hear my intuition.
Okay enough about that.
In the past week, I’ve realized a bit more about my relationship to JOY. Even though I intellectually KNOW I need it to actually FUNCTION, it’s really hard sometimes to give it to myself. Why you may ask?
I’m not sure… I think maybe something that feels so wonderful must be frivolous, right? I think that’s what I’ve always thought. But you know, when you say it out loud it sounds so ridiculous. If something feels good and wonderful and empowering than shouldn’t it be good FOR.. YOU..??
Yes. I believe it is. In fact, I tell that to my friends. If they ever are in a similar situation, I’m the first one to tell them that they need to go out and do exactly what they love! That their body, mind, and spirit are DYING to play and feel joy. However, for me to tell myself that seems silly.
Aren’t I supposed to suffer? Aren’t I supposed to spend most of my day (if not all) grueling with exhausting work? Isn’t that the way to become successful?
Logically, I’m gunna have to say no. And only because it sounds crazy. If that’s really what I need to become SUCCESSFUL, than honestly, I don’t want it.
So I’m starting on a Joy Journey. Every morning when I’m doing my free writing for the day, I’m also going to write down things that brought me joy from the day before. Because what is the point in life if we aren’t able to remember and see and feel what we actually love, what resonates with us, what sends JOY through our bodies and spirits? I’m going to notice the joy in every moment, not just when I’m having Jackie time. There is incredible beauty all around us and maybe if I make it my goal to be ‘in joy,’ as much as I possibly can, I’ll bet that my life shifts around that. I’ll bet that even more joy pops up.

Only My Tea Knows

???????????????????????????????Vulnerability. Such a sappy, sad, pathetic word. I never thought in a million years that I would associate myself with it. However things have been changing…
I quit my job. I did it! The job and the environment that had caused me so much exhaustion and anger and negativity for way too long is finally gone. It’s a funny thing ‘quitting your job.’ Most people can’t even wrap their head around why you would do that. How you would do that! Most cling to something, even if it’s unhealthy, until the very last minute when they are forced to move on or go somewhere else. So it’s a big deal.
I quit to move forward in my life with my passion. It was actually my boyfriend’s idea to QUIT and focus full time. He’s prepared to stand by me and support me as I make this new business work. Really it’s a dream come true, right? Finally getting to live my dream? Oh my gosh how incredible.
This whole working from home situation only started last week. I’ve had months of dreaming of this moment. There has been so much excited, buzzing energy of finally moving forward, of waking up and creating what I am passionate about. Ah!! However, yesterday as I was preparing to begin another day of my new life, I realized I was feeling a bit agitated.
What could that be? I’m living my dream! My dream is starting and all I need to do is put it together and it’ll be perfect so what is the anxiety? I sat for awhile in the car, and I realized that I am actually really scared. I didn’t think it was okay to feel that way. I mean, this is what I want. However, everyday, I have a bit of this anxiety beating in the back of my throat, a bit of a shaky stomach as I start writing. I think I’ve gotten caught up in my head knowing that I’m moving in the right direction but I’m not allowing myself to be vulnerable.
This.
Is.
Scary.
I have fears that I’m not taking the next step, that maybe I’m lazy (even though I have a hard time relaxing), that maybe my boyfriend will get annoyed if it takes awhile before I make money, that I won’t be good enough, that I’ll suddenly get tired or anxious or bored and quit. I’m scared! And actually the funny thing about admitting that I’M SCARED, is that after I did, even to myself, I felt better.
And recognizing that I know what I do when I’m afraid of feeling vulnerable or real also helped as well. When I’m uncomfortable, I immediately want to distract myself, run away, or shut down. I may think whatever it is I’m working on isn’t important anymore or doesn’t matter. When in reality it’s me not being open and honest with my feelings.
So this time I’m much smarter. This time if I feel any of that coming on, I will go out and take a walk, do yoga, meditate, watch a silly TV show. I am not giving up on what I truly want.
Maybe we all do that. Maybe we all gear ourselves up so much for something and think that we all of our real honest feelings might be weak, so we don’t feel them. When in reality, what if they were there to help us move forward in a powerful, focused new way? What if there is strength in all of them?

Into life

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It seems like we all wish we had something different in life. Maybe a dream job, a perfect relationship.. Wishing seems to be the human condition. But I’ve lately been realizing that no matter where we are in life, if we give fully from our hearts, the whole world opens up and our dreams really are just a step away.

Take work. We ‘have a job.’ But we are so used to saying ‘this isn’t what I want to do forever..’ and then when someone asks us about it, we think about everything we don’t like about the ‘job.’ However. This is where we are now. Why do we think we must wait to be happy, wait to make an impact, wait to change the world?

The reality is, it’s not even possible to wait.
Instead of yearning to have something, to finally feel understood or be happy, have a vision of who you want to become. What qualities you want to possess. Maybe you want to become a powerful, positive speaker in the world, or a motivating friend or partner. You won’t just become that one random day, you must strive to be that everyday. No matter what ‘job’ you are currently working in, no matter where you live or what relationships surround you. If you strive to have the qualities that you’ve decided matter to you, slowly but surely you will live your life into becoming what it is that you want.
But! You’re going to love your life the whole way through.

We forget life is a journey. If we don’t enjoy the journey, what is the point. If you really think you’re going to wake up from a lethargic life sleep only to find that you’ve stumbled onto your wildest dreams, you are wrong. You must live your life striving for presence.. Feeling and participating in life, experiencing feelings and changes, and discovering ways to take charge of where you are and what you want. Then, along the way you will move into what you have wanted all along.

My boyfriend’s ex wife hates me

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Oh to dance.

Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and run out the door into a huge dance studio all alone with some amazing loud ridiculous music playing so I can dance and cry and scream and dance.

My boyfriend’s ex wife hates me. And you’d think I don’t care. You’d think that I’m actually so spiritual and enlightened and bright that I wouldn’t even feel it. But the reality is that I can feel the hatred, even though it’s completely displaced and not valid. But it hurts. I’m a really nice person. And MAYBE that’s the issue. I am so nice and ACCOMMODATING and open that it’s actually shocking  when someone hates me. Ha! I go so out of my way to ask QUESTIONS! To EMPATHIZE! To ENGAGE! And when there is HATRED it completely baffles me. So there’s my issue.

Since I know there is always a lesson…

The more that I think about it, the problem is deeper than that. It’s easy, I’ve realized, to have compassion for her. To feel bad for her. And for my boyfriend as well who had to deal with her for so many years. hahah But! But I just realized that having compassion for ME and what I find myself in the midst of,.. now THAT doesn’t deserve compassion.

So I’m a compassion displacer. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and I see that it’s possible to change. First thing I’m gunna do is feel it. Feel the compassion. Feel the fact that it’s hard and sad and I so wanted to just have this happy family with her in it were everyone is prancing around like magic fairies helping each other out, and it may never be like that. Or at least not  for a very long time.

And maybe that is okay.

Something I’ve also learned about myself is that not only having compassion for myself is difficult, but so is letting go when I really think I can HELP! Or CHANGE! Or INFLUENCE! Or be the key that can open up someone’s door to SELF-AWARENESS! Or SELF-LOVE! Or SELF-ACCEPTANCE! Or GRATITUDE! If someone doesn’t think they have something to learn, they aren’t in a place to learn it. Ha! What a concept! Isn’t it true that those of us that are making positive changes in our lives are doing so because we are SEEKING the changes? We are asking ourselves what we can do to improve and grow and learn. If you aren’t asking those, if you aren’t looking inside, you will not understand. So to attempt to TEACH any of it to them makes absolutely no sense.

Even as I write this I become stronger. So she hates me. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know me. That what she hates isn’t even real. I can let that go. I can know that I am a strong powerful intelligent funny beautiful human being genuinely doing the best I can and..That. Is. What. Matters.

What we didn’t learn

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I’ve always felt that public schools do a shitty job of preparing us for the world. The real world beyond the gated yards. The world that actually matters. All too often you hear about Calculus that gets long forgotten and paper mache pyramids that are left to implode somewhere in the back of a closet. The things that we learned and were graded and JUDGED on in school have NOTHING to do with navigating, persevering, creating, communicating, and exclaiming our lives. Nothing.

I always felt, ‘You know, they should have classes in high school on the differences between men and women,'(because let me tell you there is a ridiculous amount and knowing them can save your relationship or the world. )or classes on communication! How would that be? Learning (and practicing) how to actually stand up for yourself, learn to say things in a way that puts YOU back in power without ripping someone apart. Ha! Or how about classes on claiming your own power? I remember in 2nd grade my teacher Mrs. Coles, whom I loved, introduced the concept of ‘self esteem.’ We had to write about things we liked about ourselves. I thought it was the coolest thing. Ever. But! After that, nothing. No one cares if you think you have good qualities. No one wants to teach you or guide you to listen to your gut feelings and trust your instincts.  The things that truly truly make life much greater and more expansive and exciting and enriching, no one teaches.

And maybe that is part of the path. These are things that aren’t easy to learn, so if you are on the path to learn them you’re doing your own work. But really… lez be honest. If I were in charge, I would make them MANDATORY.

So I was think this morning as I was waking up with the kitty deep inside my armpit, because we weren’t TAUGHT any of the most important things in school, it’s very easy to assume they aren’t important. For example. Our feelings. I have always been one that feels a lot. Always. In school I had severe anxiety and my heart would literally be pounding out of my chest. Even before that, everyone I meet, I could feel their energy, I knew what they were feeling and sometimes even why. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn until a long time later that much of what I feel isn’t even my feelings, it’s everyone else’s. Ha! However, I discounted my feelings! I wanted to be different so I IGNORED them when they were strong. I would change the subject, run away, bite my tongue, laugh it off. My feelings became my enemy. My greatest secret, what is wrong with me why am I feeling so much, enemy.

Though I’m older now and have the awareness that who I am is exactly as I am supposed to  be, I am just beginning to respect my feelings. Something came up the other day. I do not want to see my dad for Christmas. I have done so much work to FORGIVE! And MOVE FORWARD! And be AVAILABLE! And yet. Every time I speak to him, it’s like nails raking the inside of my stomach. I am completely repulsed and feel so so sick.

No normally, I would say, ‘Jackie, buck up, you are an adult! Swallow that down and see him and smile and be really funny and pleasant and happy and lets all those bad feelings go. ‘ But then it dawned on me. If something feels so horrible for you, no matter what you do, does that mean you need to do it anyway? Because if you look at people that actually value feelings, they will all tell you to listen to what you are feeling! Pay attention because your feelings will tell you what you need, what you aren’t receiving, what really matters. By ignoring them and swallowing them and then acting opposite of everything your guts know, you may end up making it all worse.

So, I’m listening. I’m being easy on myself for what is coming up and I’m choosing to make them the most important. There is a chance that my heart, my soul, knows more about what is going on than even I do, and it is my job to respect that. My decisions will now be based on my feelings.

And this goes for you too! When you get feelings that come up, strong reactions to life, recognize what they are, and why they are there. Respect yourself enough to take care of them when they do arise. Lets stop ignoring the things that actually matter.